unreachable

I’m hanging in there. I’m grieving my oldest two sons. Both are unreachable. One is unreachable because he died. The other is unreachable because his mental state is cloudy and dark, and he’s out of touch with reality. He’s also unreachable currently because literally I can’t call or write him or visit him. But I know that he is sheltered, relatively safe, being fed. He is not well, but his physical needs are being tended to, even if his mental and spiritual needs are not being met.

This year I’m choosing joy. It’s an effort. Grieving the loss of a loved one is hard and long. Experts in grief say the second year is harder than the first and that’s where I find myself.

But even in the midst of great sorrow, I am purposely choosing things and doing things that make me smile. I spent the Spring on my hands and knees (thanks to a thick knee pad) digging in the dirt, planning and planting flowers that would attract butterflies. I spent the summer pulling weeds. So many weeds. Maybe next year there won’t be as many, Haha. The flowers were beautiful and I saw caterpillars, bees, moths, and butterflies.

This garden has brought me great joy. I’m creating joy. Choosing joy. Planting joy. Just because I’m discovering joy in some of the little moments doesn’t mean there isn’t a great heaviness and sadness in my heart over my oldest two sons.

How are you?

This question came at a time when I had absolutely no idea where my son was. Prior to this point, I always knew where he was, but these days were different. Essentially, I considered him missing and it was very difficult for me. He wasn’t in hospital, jail, or a group home.

The truth was– I was horrible, my insides were freaking out, my body was tense, my stomach felt nauseous. I would rather be in bed, but I had somehow gotten up and made it to church. I wasn’t great or even really ok, so I replied,

I’m hanging in there.

When I answered, this person backed up and said, “Woah, don’t unload on me!”

Here I was at church. Isn’t this the place where I’m supposed to be able to be honest and real and find compassion and support? Most likely, this person was being sarcastic, but man, did it sting. I’m thankful I have people in my life who get it, who will listen when I need to talk, who are encouraging to me, who don’t back away.

Since that day at church, I was able to find my son, and then a few weeks later, I knew he was locked up again. But he’s unreachable.

i can't call him. 
he can't call me.
he can't receive messages.
he can't receive mail.
he's unreachable.

i'm praying for a miracle.
praying for the light to swallow the darkness
praying for his mind to clear.
praying for clarity of thought.
praying that he knows he is so loved
by me
by God.

“I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me
will not walk in darkness,
but will have the light of life.”
~Jesus (John 8:12)

praying he'll be reachable again
praying his spiritual needs will be met
praying that his mental needs will be met
praying I can reach him
praying he will reach out to me
healed
in the meantime, I'm hanging in there
and I'm choosing joy