grieving with guinever

not all heartbreak comes from death
not all loss is etched in stone
not all dreams are buried in a cemetery

i'm a mother of five
two in heaven
two alive and thriving
one alive but greatly burdened

that man on the street corner
muttering and shouting
pacing back and forth
talking in rhymes
swearing
crazy
not a stranger, he's my son
six years like this

some have said to me
"at least you have..."
STOP IT
stop saying that!
do i forget this one who's still alive?
this second of five
this one

didn't the shepherd leave the 99 to find the one
he rescued the one
my man child is that one lost lamb
please lord jesus
rescue your lamb, my lamb 
i'm begging, pleading

this one
who i carried
birthed
nursed
protected 
nurtured
schooled 
just like the other four
loved 

still love, will always love
no matter what
he's my son 
an image bearer of the creator god just like you who dare to say to me "at least"

this loss
it's real
these shattered dreams
everything i thought he'd be
no specifics
just sanity, just normal

for six years
mind overtaken by illness
triggered by trauma
extended by weed
made better with medication
worse again by bad choices

in and out of psychosis
stable at times but only for a little while
sometimes progressing, but always another setback
nightmares and voices
never silent in his head
mind in turmoil
so much distortion of reality
delusions
six long years

i used to think he's taking a detour in life
but the detour keeps getting longer
further away from normal

he used to call me
several times a week
just to check in
i've always known where he was
good or bad, I knew
because he called

but this year his calls became fewer
yet i still knew where he was
locked up
refusing medication
on a watch
and i knew where he was
mostly safe
3 meals a day
sheltered and clothed
safe

but july 31 he walked out
physically free
but mentally in shackles
this release was unexpected to me
there was no plan
for 6 years, there's always been a plan
a new place for him to go
but july 31
he walked out
no phone, no money, no contacts, nothing

i prayed
do i run to find him?
i prayed for wisdom
i prayed for my next step
i prayed for him
i prayed for his safety
i prayed for others' safety

this wasn't an adult 
stable and employed
earning and managing money
living a productive life
deciding to cut off his parents
estranged

no this is a man 
suffering
severe mental illness
unable to care for himself
unable to approach someone and say
can i borrow your phone?

i made calls 
lots of calls
looking for him
checked rosters online
always praying
i was at peace with staying home and waiting

days turned into a week
then one week turned into three
and still no word from him or about him

where was he?
dead or alive?
sane or insane?
was he ok, but choosing  not to call?
unlikely
really unlikely

did he stay close to where he flew free?
or was he walking hundreds of miles to his childhood home?
was he safe on someone's couch and being fed?

then i drove to where he had walked free
six hours i drove
i rolled into a town where i had never been before
i implored the lord, please i want an answer this weekend
i need an answer
i prayed for my own safety

guided by the holy spirit
i saw him saturday
and talked with him
his answers were evasive
i gave him food and clothes 
after only a few minutes he said he wasn't having the conversation and walked away

his shoes had holes
his sweatshirt grimy 
hood over his head and covering his eyes
so much thinner than before
i had found him
unwashed
i was thankful, so thankful
finding him was a huge answer to prayer

i went back on sunday
he asked for food and i gave him some
he turned around and walked away
walked away from love and help and nurture
refused my hug

and so i began my long drive home
alone
but not alone 
because father god was with me
had not forgotten me
holy spirit had clearly guided my steps
so that i could see my son
thank you!

i was relieved
his condition did not surprise me
frankly, he looked how i expected
unkept

his life isn't over yet
i will always have hope until he's dead
there's still time for redemption
repentance 
restoration
wholeness
normal

but for now
i wait
so much waiting already
everyone says they don't know how i do it
doesn't scripture say
peace that passes understanding??
that's what i have in god
peace that i don't understand either

i should be having a mental breakdown
but instead i'm able to rest in him
don't get me wrong
i am anxious at times
overwhelmed
but i couldn't do this without scripture
and prayer and feeling god's love and presence

i'm continuing to pray for a miracle
a complete healing
in jesus name, my son can be healed
he can reach down and grab him out of this pit
heal his mind
this amazing mercy that my son can 
not run from

i firmly believe that god can deliver my son
from this mental anguish
and my son can run to jesus
out of darkness
resisting the things that trigger illness

for now, his mind is loud
voices always
no silence no relief no joy
no light
always darkness

praying for light and joy and peace for him
come home to us
be a part of our family
 we love you so much
we miss you so much
we want you back

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Response to this post has been so encouraging to me. You can read them here.