grieving with guinever

my loss is like the ocean
     overwhelming
vast. deep. wide.
mother of 5
only 3 are living
my mom's in heaven too.

my grief is like the ocean
     overwhelming
so many losses. not all deaths
crashing waves of grief 
knock me down
and I get back up

my grief is like the water 
     changing
clear. calm. gentle. 
muddy. salty. rough.
cool. warm. cold.
soothing. stinging. healing.

my grief is like the tide
     predictable
birthdays. anniversaries. beloved things.
little blond girls. bearded men in plaid.
gentle. ebbing. flowing.
i know what's in the depths.

my grief is like the waves
     tumultuous
the things I can't plan for
triggers that produce tears
lizards. egyptians. mighty men.
take my breath away

i'm at the ocean
     resting
anchored in the sand.
warm waves splash over me
repeatedly. reassuringly.
i'm grounded.

i'm in the ocean
     floating
one moment at a time
carried by the waves
softly. gently.
i'm comforted.

i'm in the ocean
     struggling
crashing waves of grief
overtake me
too many anniversaries and birthdays
20 years of ocean

i'm in the ocean
     drowning
but the ocean's maker is here
he carries me,
strongly. lovingly.
i can breathe again

the maker's love is like the ocean
     deep. vast. overwhelming.
always there. 
comforting. guiding.  
i am saved. i am safe.
walking through my ocean

by guinever van campen