10 months in september


bearded men just like him
i see them all over
white trucks just like his
everywhere
tall men wearing plaid shirts
alive
i used to have a son like that
but now he is vanished

i wear his shirts sometimes
it's a hug from him
he hugged me that last night
i didn't know it would be the last one
but he did
buried among the evergreen

why?
weren't we enough
wasn't i enough
thoughts of frank conversations
of suicide and depression 
you assured me it wasn't like that

the dream of a future
a wife and kids, a family
being an uncle
of holidays and every days 
vanished

but this horrific mixes with joy
a baby expected
your nephew
baby healing my soul
lord, please don't take another

i went to the beach
with your brother and sister
i sat in the water 
waves washed over me
warm and salty

i sat by the water
it was windy
ocean waves, strong and high
the sound and the site
healing salt and sand

i'm getting through the days
swimming my ocean of grief
sometimes bogged down
coming up for air
the grief washes over me
and i let it

remembering
my story silenced
when sorrows like sea billows roll
never drowning
always resurfacing
it is well with my soul