grieving with guinever

In the two years since my daughter’s death, several people have asked me what they can say to a friend who has just lost a child or another loved one. My answer has always been,

There are truly no words. Just listen. Get your friend talking.

Ask about their loved one. Ask what they miss the most, what they remember. If you have some stories to tell about the person who has just died, tell them. They will grasp onto your memories and cherish them.

Here are five things not to say to the grieving family at the visitation or funeral and why you shouldn’t say them:

1. You can always have another child. OR you’re young; you can get married again.
2. Don’t worry. You’ll see him again.
3. At least he didn’t suffer long.
4. He is in a better place.
5. Be thankful he died at an early age. He doesn’t have to experience pain and heartache on this earth.

Although these might be true statements, they are not helpful and can be very hurtful. You can’t replace a person by having another child or remarrying. The parents will want this child back. The widow will want her husband back. The child will want his parent back.

For Christians, death is bitter sweet; yes, we’re glad that our loved ones are in heaven and we look forward to seeing them again. But the reality is that we would much rather have our loved one here right now with us.

A note to pastors for mother’s day