Category: life

After a loved one dies, there are many “firsts” to get through. There are the obvious holidays like birthday, anniversary, Christmas and there could also be things relating to how your loved one died. This week I had another “first” even though it’s been almost 3 years.

A friend’s baby is sick with RSV. I had no idea how bad she was doing since I hadn’t been able to reach her by telephone. Sometimes, a breathing treatment or two is all that is needed and then the baby can go home, but sometimes, RSV takes over and claims a life. I was scared for my friend and for her baby.

I went to visit her. This is the same hospital that my daughter had been taken to via ambulance; she died less than an hour later. I hadn’t been back to this particular hospital since that day. I have often wondered what my reaction would be when I had to go there again. I have been to other hospitals to do labor support at a few birth births, and I visited my mother after her heart surgery plus I’ve been in emergency rooms a couple of times for minor, yet emergent needs for family members. I have driven past THE hospital many times, every week, in fact on the way to church, so going past it was not an issue.

As I made the short drive to visit my friend, I thought about that ambulance ride 3 years ago with me in the front seat, listening to paramedics talk about my daughter as they worked on trying to stabilize her. I also thought about this precious new baby I was going to see. I was glad that I would be going straight to the parking garage and wouldn’t need to go past the ER entrance and I certainly wouldn’t need to be in the ER for anything.

Because of construction, I had to park across the street and then take a shuttle. The first stop was at the ER. hmm. I guess I did have to go past it, had to look at it. Had to remember and think about the ambulance stopping, me getting out, and then leaning on the brick wall there because I couldn’t walk by myself. Someone had come and helped me.

Jump back to the present. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I might be going to visit a dying baby. But I went inside and found my way to the children’s wing and signed in and had my picture taken for a photo id pass. And I went into her room. And hugged my friend. And the good news was that her baby had been released, was well enough to go home. And the timing of my arrival was perfect because we could talk for a few minutes before her ride showed up and I could help her carry her things so she wouldn’t need to make two trips.

God is good all the time.

I recently had a fabulous weekend away from home where I met a great group of ladies from my online curriculum support group. Even though I had never met any of them in person before, I already knew them.

Several of the women asked me how my daughter died. They had searched all my blogs and didn’t find the details of her death. That is purposeful.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to put it on here because I would rather people read it here, hear the story from me and not from someone else. Things get lost in translation, words used  are ones I would not choose, the story changes…When people read the news story online, that’s fine, but it’s definitely not the whole story. And what you won’t unfortunately find when you search, is the letter I wrote that also appeared in the newspaper.

So because people are searching for details,  I’ve updated my what started it all page.

There’s a cake cooling on my counter tonight. It’s a cake in honor of Abby’s birthday.

I miss you, my baby girl. I can’t believe we’re about to have the third birthday without you.  Wow.  You would’ve been five tomorrow, should’ve been five. If you were here, I’d probably make you a dolly cake just like I made your baby sister in November when she turned 3. I’d also be getting ready for your big birthday party tomorrow.  It’s the big FIVE which means we would’ve invited some of your friends and had a pinata.  oooh.  We only do that around here when someone turns 5, you know.

I went to the cemetery today. I was going to take your siblings but they didn’t want to go. That’s probably a good thing because it was nice to be alone for awhile. I saw the tulips that the Burghers left on your grave for your birthday. We might all go tomorrow. We’ll see.

So what have you been doing? Singing and dancing and praising Jesus? Showing the new little girls around heaven? A friend of mine just lost her baby girl in the womb. Do you know her? Did you welcome Hallel Selah into heaven? Are you chasing butterflies and ladybugs and sitting at Jesus’ feet and in His lap?

I miss you, sweetie. I’ll see you someday.