Month: June 2007

I heard Elaine Stillwell, author of The Death of a Child: Reflections for Grieving Parents, speak last week at a conference. She related a story about an elderly woman going to live in a new apartment. As the young man pushed her wheelchair, he told her about the lacy curtains and other things that he thought she would like. She squealed with delight and said that she loved it. He replied that she hadn’t even seen her new room yet, how could she love it? The woman’s response was that she had already chosen to love it. It didn’t matter whether she liked it or not. She had made the choice to love her new surroundings and be content even before she had seen them.

After Elaine told this story, she said that we all have choices in life. We can choose to live after the death of our child/children or we can choose to be depressed or be defined by our loss.

Elaine’s words reminded me of the day that my daughter Abby died and the choices that I made that day. I sat on my couch all afternoon and into the evening and I contemplated life. How on earth could I go on? At one point, it suddenly dawned on me that we had a funeral to plan.

Oh my God, I thought, we have a funeral to plan.

I went to the kitchen and leaned on my husband and said, “Funeral?” He said not to worry about it. His dad, a pastor, would help us take care of all those details. I went back and sat in the living room. I thought and thought. What would I do? I was still a mother. I had three living children. I had to mother my living children. That was the choice I made that day. I had to get up every morning and take care of my young children. They needed me. Some days it is much easier than others. Daily, I need to make the choice to master this grief rather than let it master me. And I find myself failing some days.

Another choice I made the day that Abby died was not be angry at God or blame Him for allowing her to die. Instead of demanding answers from God or asking Him why, I chose to rest in Him and find my comfort in Him. I did not understand, still don’t understand this Providence for our family. In the early days, I found comfort in reading the Psalms and I found myself “hiding in the shadows of His wings.” When I wrestle with my thoughts, I have to remind myself to go back to the resting, back to the Psalms.

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in you my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
until the disaster has passed. Psalm 57:1